Wednesday, April 21, 2004


I am struggling to clean house, at neck break speed. Steve will be home tomorrow. He has been gone for 8 days, and I will admit I like it when he is gone. It is just one more person around here fighting for my attention, I know that is awful. I love him really I do, but things are easier when he is gone. The kids get to bed on time, and we are not waiting for the bathroom in the mornings, I don't have to cook if I don't want to, and my oldest isn't so hateful to everyone. When he is here I feel like there is always a struggle that I am caught in the middle of, the kids pulling me one way and him pulling me the other. They all want me right now, and it stresses me out a lot. Then when the kids do finally go to sleep he usually has had to many beers for me to have an intelligent conversation with anyway. I feel bad for saying that, because we do have a good marriage for the most part. I am his princess, and he loves me as much as anyone can love me. Maybe I put my boys above their father, but they are above him if we didn't have them I would have fled long ago, because that is what I do. I have missed him, and I really do want to see him, I am just not ready for the turmoil involved with his return.

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