Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I have a compulsion to write, like someone with ocd has to turn the lights out 40 times before they can leave a room, I have to put words on paper to get them all out of my head. It's like a sickness really, especially since most of my words don't make much sense. Then there are the times the words don't come and I am left dazed trying to make some sort of normal out of my life. Sometimes I find myself writing the boys' names over and over and over just so that I can go through the motions. I prefer pen and paper. The way the ink glides over the smooth surface creating words is some what of a turn on for me. I've spent most of my writing time lately like that late at night laying in bed just me a notebook and a pencil, usually it's been a pencil because the boys have lots of them laying around, and I've thrown out most of the pens because they are harder to get off the walls. I think I write there because I can't say the things in those journals here. I can't write about the things that might upset other people here, because they don't understand. It's unfair, because this is where I like to put my thoughts and ideals and ranting and raving. I might start doing it again, or maybe I'll do it under an assumed name on a different blog.

I think there are those of us who write and those of us who don't. The people who don't will never understand those of us who do. Steve has never understood my need to write, he thinks it's crazy. I don't understand his need to be drunk, so I guess that makes us even. I need words on a page as much as I need the air that I breath it's what makes me whole.

In real news I am going to go see my baby sister the end of next week. It's going to be a long drive she lives in St. Louis and that is 1050 miles away from here. I might not make it back alive after 16 hours on the road with 3 children. It's long when we go the 6 hours to my grandparents house. I think my truly insane nature is shining out brightly and I may end up in my proper place a padded cell, before I make it home. Wish me luck I'm going to need it.

Oh and I've been taking pictures here's some

Thursday, June 05, 2008

CHUNKY doesn"t always mean overweight

We are out of school and it's to cold and rainy to play outside today. The boys are playing monopoly and actually getting along, could be the threat of locking them in the closet if they fought today, but it's a blessing however it happened.

We were at Walmart the other day and this rather large lady kept getting in front of me and stopping. Well the youngest, who's nickname is Chunky Monkey, walked around her and headed towards the video games. I wanted him to wait up so I yelled "Chunk!" he didn't and he stepped out in front of another person so I yelled "Chunky watch out!" Well the large woman who keeps stopping in front of me and won't let me around looks at me and says "Well" and moves out of my way. I am pretty sure she thought I was talking to her, but oh well she finally got the hell out of my way. I have to admit his nickname doesn't really fit him anymore he can't even keep his pants up he is so thin, but when he was a baby he was huge!

I didn't plant a garden this year and I'm going to miss having tomatoes again, but I have been to busy trying to get the basement cleaned out so I can build a room down there. I have thrown more crap out in the last 2 weeks. It's amazing how much junk you keep and don't ever need or use. If I have not seen it in the last 2 years I'm throwing it out. Last weekend I was tossing stuff and Steve was digging it out of the trash faster then I could put it in. I finally asked him why the hell he was saving that stuff and he says, "We might need it sometime." I giggled and said "If we have not needed it by now we will never need it!" Thankfully he is out of town working this week and I can toss lots of stuff.