Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I found this interesting and thought I would post it.

On 18 Feb. 1966 John Kerry signed a 6 year enlistment contract ith the Navy (plus a 6-month extension during wartime). On 18 Feb. 1966 John Kerry also signed an Officer Candidate contract for 6 years -- 5 years of ACTIVE duty & ACTIVE Naval Reserves, and 1 year of inactive standby reserves (See items #4> >& $5). Because John Kerry was discharged from TOTAL ACTIVE DUTY of only 3 years and 18 days on 3 Jan. 1970, he was then required to attend 48 drills peryear, and not more than 17 days active duty for training. Kerry was also subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Additionally, Kerry, as a commissioned officer, was prohibited from making adverse statements against his chain of command or statements against his country, especially during time of war. It is also interesting to note that Kerry did not obtain an honorable discharge until Mar. 12, 2001 even though his service obligation should have ended July 1, 1972. Lt. John Kerry's letter of 21 Nov. 1969 asking for an early release from active US Navy duty falsely states, "My current regular period of obligated service would be completed in December of this year." On Jan. 3, 1970 Lt. John Kerry was transferred to the Naval Reserve Manpower Center in Bainbridge, Maryland. Where are Kerry's Performance Records for 2 years of obligated Ready Reserve, the 48 drills per year required and his 17 days of active duty per year training while Kerry was in the Ready Reserves? Have these records been released? Has anyone ever talked to Kerry's Commanding Officer at the Naval Reserve Center where Kerry drilled? On 1 July 1972 Lt. John Kerry was transferred to Standby Reserve - Inactive. On 16 February 1978 Lt. John Kerry was discharged from US Naval Reserve. Below are some of the crimes Lt. Kerry USNR committed as a ReadyReservist, while he was acting as a leader of Vietnam Veterans Against the War: 1. Lt. Kerry attended many rallies where the Vietcong flag was displayed while our flag was desecrated, defiled, and mocked, thereby giving aid and comfort to the enemy. 2. Lt. Kerry was involved in a meeting that voted on assassinating members of the US Senate. 3. Lt. Kerry lied under oath against fellow soldiers before the US Senate about crimes committed in Vietnam. 4. Lt. Kerry professed to being a war criminal on national television, and condemned the military and the USA. 5. Lt. Kerry met with NVA and Vietcong communist leaders in Paris, in direct violation of the UCMJ and the U.S. Constitution. Lt. Kerry by his own words & actions violated the UCMJ and the U.S. Code while serving as a Navy officer. Lt. Kerry stands in violation of Article 3, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution. Lt. Kerry's 1970 meeting with NVA Communists in Paris is in direct violation of the UCMJ's Article 104 part 904, and U.S. Code 18 & U.S.C. 953. That meeting, and Kerry's subsequent support of the communists while leading mass protests against our military in the year that followed, also place him in direct violation of our Constitution's Article 3, Section 3, which defines treason as "giving aid and comfort" to the enemy in time of warfare. The Constitution's Fourteenth Amendment, Section 3, states, "No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President .. having previously taken an oath...to support the Constitution of the United States, [who has] engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.
"A. L. "Steve" Nash, MAC Ret, UDT/SEAL> >SEAL Authentication Team - Director AuthentiSEAL> >Phone 707 438 0120> >"The only service where all investigators are US Navy SEALs"> >www.authentiseal.org


Well we are on to day 2 of school, and it wasn't any easier leaving my baby on that play ground today! I was talking with a friend today about over protective parents, and I will admit that yeah I am over protective. I think most parents are in this day and age. There are to many weirdos in this world for us not to be a bit on the over protective side. You hear about it all the time, even here in our little town of about 50,000 people there are weirdos. A few years ago we had a soccer coach that was caught molesting a few of his team members, I would kill someone for molesting my kids. There would never even be any police involved, they would just be here one day and missing the next never to be found again! I think that anyone who molests children should be tortured and then killed, and I think the parents should be allowed to do the torturing and killing! It should be the law, but there are those few in our society that don't think that way. Anyway back on track here, I am an over protective parent, but I still want my boys to become responsible, productive members of our society. I try not to smother them with my over protectiveness, and more times than not I have stood back and closed my eyes when they are doing something I think is dangerous, like riding on the seat of your bike and trying to let go of the handle bars. They need to understand that they are responsible for their actions, and if doing something dangerous gets them hurt after I have told them that they will get hurt, they need to understand they made that choice, and all I can do it be ready to kiss their booboos, and tell them I told you so. I am not saying I allow them to run with sissors or sword fight with steak knives that would just be stupid of me. I am just saying that I try to control my over protectiveness. It isn't always easy for me to do. I would love to be able to control everything they do, but I know that is not really my job as their parent. My job is to teach them right from wrong, my job is to try and make them responsible little people, and my job is to make sure that no one on earth harms them along their journey into adulthood. It is just not easy being a parent!

oh and here is something interesting http://www.skype.com/download.html

Monday, August 30, 2004

Busy weekend

Friday I met my mom half way between her house and mine so she could take the boys home with her. We got there and they all loaded up and then the middle one, who usually has no qualms about going with his granny looked at me with panic in his eyes and said "I don't wanna go mama." I told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to so he ended up coming home with me. Well he has never been alone, he doesn't know how to be alone, he has always had one of his brothers to play with. I discovered that the middle child requires a lot of attention! He did not get 2 feet away from me or Steve the entire weekend, and he needed to be entertained the whole time! So we spent Friday and Saturday playing with him, and didn't get much else done. Then Sunday I took him with me to mom and dad's to get the other 2, and I am so glad they are home to play with him! They had Wright days, which is a little town celebration at moms, so they had a parade and a lot of fun stuff for the people to do. The oldest won 2nd place in the fishing derby with a 9 and 1/2 inch rainbow trout, he won a tackle box and was very proud of himself! They have a little pond there that they stock for the kids to fish in. I got them home and today was the first day of school for the oldest, he is going to 1st grade this year. It isn't any easier leaving him at school this year than it was last year. I work up with a knot in the pit of my stomach and I am so sad, this feeling lasted everyday of the school year last year, and it is already starting again. I cried all the way home, and I am on the verge of tears just writing about it. I have to take both the oldest and the middle on Wednesday, and this feeling of depression and saddiness is only going to get worse. I hate the fact that they go off and leave me. I don't know what I am going to do next year when I have to leave all 3 of them. At least there is only 3 hours and 15 minutes until I can go pick him up. He was excited and when we got there he just jumped right out of the van and ran off to find his friends, and that broke my heart. I sent him lunch money for the week, I sure hope he remembered to give it to the teacher for his lunch tickets. I worry the whole day. I don't leave my house from 9am until 3:30 when they are in school. I am so frightened that they may need me and I won't be by a phone if I went anywhere! I don't know if this feeling ever ends, but you know that nervous first day jitters most people have when you start something new, that is how I feel every day that they have to go to school. I think I will have to get a job at the school when the baby starts 1st grade, just so I can be close to them. So that is what we have been doing. I am trying to get some house work done today, because I didn't get a thing done this weekend, because we were just to busy playing!

Friday, August 27, 2004

Haha my turn to steal Tricia's post!

No really... mother is one of the words!

Hot damn we're gonna have some fun now!

Derek and I got to pick the words...
mine are better... heheh

So here goes:

If you don't like the words... Derek picked them. :P

No theme!!!!!!!!!

Stories must be in by THURSDAY NIGHT! or the forum police will come after your asses (Barrie and Heather) and believe me, you don't want the forum popo anywhere near your ass!

Go... write... bring happiness to children all over the world, you fricking freaks!!!

Ohh a link I forgot to add a link ok click on the link and it will take you right to the forum for the contest! Come and play. It is fun.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

The crazy things boys do

I was cooking dinner last night and the boys were all out front riding their bikes with Steve. So I have everything cooking and walk outside to watch them for a few minute before I have to get back to stirring the dinner. I see my oldest and he actually has a helmet on his head, this was strange my kids never wear them even though they all own at least 2. I have tried to get them to wear them, but it is futile. I give Steve an inquiring minds want to know look, which he didn't quite understand so I had to ask "What is up with the helmet?" To this my husband just points with a blank look on his face, as if he doesn't quit no what to say, so I turn and see my oldest performing stunts on his bike! I see him hauling balls down the hill standing on the seat of the bike attempting to let go of the handle bars! Oh lord it begins, once he starts this the others are sure to follow and then all I can do is stand by and be ready with the key when we have to go to the emergency room. He sees me and begins yelling "look mom look." I ask where the hell he learned such a stupid thing, to which he replies, "I just taught myself. Take a picture of me doing stunts mom." Well of course I go in to get the camera so I can take his picture of this stupidity, why I wanted to encourage him I will never know.

a closer view of the little trick rider! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

When the door shatters

It makes a really loud bang crash, and the glass is impossible to clean up! For some reason my dear husband put a wooden swinging screen up on our back patio door, he muttered something about "there now quit bitching about the bugs coming in the house." We had a normal patio sliding screen on and after replacing it at least 3 times every summer he decided that a swinging one would stay put and the dogs and the kids would quit knocking it off the track therefore I would quit yelling about bugs and flies and other strange things venturing into my house. He was right they have not managed to knock this one down, and the bug population inside is down considerately! He did mention that he hoped it didn't slam into the glass after he installed it, and said he would fix that on his next days off which came and went and the door was forgotten. The wind is blowing with hurricane force however and it did managed to bust the screen right through the glass patio door the is glass everywhere, and the more I scoop up the more I find. I will never get it all picked up. The lesson for today is never ever put a swinging screen door on the back patio unless you like cleaning up glass! Lucky me it only broke one pane of glass, so I fixed the damn thing, how you ask? Yes I thought about nailing the door shut, but then I would have to take the dogs out the front door and around to the gate to let them outside, and well lets face it I am much to lazy to do that and it would intrupt valueable internet time so I nailed a 2x4 to the porch so that next time it swings open it will hit the board instead!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Mom is great!

Mom came by today on her way home from seeing my grandparents in Colorado. I always love when she goes this time of year, she comes home with wonderful treats for me. This time she brought peaches grown in Palisade where my grandparents live, and Colorado sweet corn and it is really good. I gave her a sack of cherry tomatoes to take home with her from my garden. She also brought back a huge Texas watermelon straight from Texas. My grandparents were there a few weeks ago, that is where they are originally from Texas, and I still have lots of family that live there. My grandparents moved to Colorado many many years ago, long before my mama was born, and they have lived in Colorado most of their lives really. Even though my granny has been in Colorado longer than she ever lived in Texas you can still get a hint of that Texas drawl when she says something to you. I was raised with words like "y'all" and I will never pronounce Colorado any other way than Colarada. I have always called my grandparents granny and grandaddy. Growing up I remember some of my friends thinking it was funny that I had a "granny" most everyone else had a "grandma" now my kids have a granny too. I was also raised on southern fried foods like okra, I never knew it was an acquired taste, I have been eating the stuff since I was little and I love it. I know the difference between real corn bread and that sweet stuff some people try to pass off as corn bread, and I know that making biscuits and gravy is an art form and no one on earth can make them as well as granny can. I never knew that iced tea didn't go with every meal, and you were not suppose to give it to children. I was raised on it and so are my boys. I was raised this way because my mama was raised this way and so was her mama. It is funny really my grandparents don't live in Texas, but that is where our roots are, that is what we know. I am a Wyoming girl and I would never be completely at home in Texas, but I can speak the language thanks to my grandparents and their upbringing.

Monday, August 23, 2004

My relationship with Toby Keith

The boys all have colds, not real bad ones just little running nose and cough. The last time they all got real sick they ended up giving their crud to me. I hate getting sick, I always seem to get a lot sicker then the boys. I think that is because I spend a week running myself down taking care of them. So anyway the last time I was sick I was running a fever, a high fever at one point when I checked it my temp was all the way up to a 104.6. Well a fever that high will cause strange things to happen, and you really can't function right. So we had been listening to Toby Keith and when I finally did get into bed I passed right out. I had the realest strangest dream I have ever had in my entire life. I dreamed that I was Toby Keith's tour manager, and he is a very demanding person I will tell you that! I had to arrive in every city that hosted his concerts, and make sure things went well. I had to check everything, the hotel rooms, the food on the menu's, the weather outside, I mean everything had to be just perfect or he would throw a fit. I am sure he isn't like that in real life, but he was so demanding in dream land that he caused me to have a nervose break down and I ended up in the mental ward of some hospital. It was such a real dream that I would hear one of his songs a week later and it would make me so mad all over again. I think that my dream was telling me that I was wearing myself down trying to take care of the boys and I needed to rest or I was going to end up in the hospital, and Toby got thrown into the mix because I had his music on before I had gotten into bed. It was the strangest dream I have ever had though. I hope these colds are gone quickly and I hope that I don't get one too!

Friday, August 20, 2004


I have to admit I am not much into the summer Olympics. I like the diving competitions, and I will watch some of the swimming. Even some of the track and field events are not that bad, but I flipped it on tonight and thought I would caught some of the games. To my utter amazement and disbelief was a sport I am sure everyone was tuned into watching with anticipation, yes I am talking about the mighty sport of the trampolene! The excitement, the thrill, what the hell is this? I am talking about the big thing kids fall off of in their back yards and break their arms, the thing my kids sneak over to the neighbors to jump on. Yeah that thing. When did the trampolene become a sport. I can't remember the last time I was watching ESPN and heard "stay tuned after this, the national trampolene event is coming up and you don't want to miss that" or the last time I heard someone say "When I grow up I wanna be a trampoleneist." I would really love to commentate one of these events to "and look at her go, she is really getting some air on that thing, she is about 10 feet high, no 20 no 25 feet high now. Look at the bounce." I mean really what the hell else can you say. What happened to real sports? That is why I am a winter sports kind of person, in the winter Olympics you would never see such things as trampolene. I admit they do have curling, but at least that takes some kind of skill, how smart do you have to be to bounce up and down on a trampolene? For the love of God people it isn't a sport, how can they even pretend it is a sport? I am baffled and down right confused, I know that doesn't take much to get me in that state, but this is just not right.

OH and guess who is back Randy I just read his post and I know a few of you have been wondering about him. Well he is blogging again after getting back from a trip home to see his family. For everyone who doesn't know Randy yet he is stationed in Korea right now, and his wife and 2 sons are at home in Houston TX. So head over and tell him welcome back to blogland.

The baby

My baby is the little comedian in our family, he loves to be funny and ususlly is. He has decided that he is going to school this year with his brother's no matter what I say. We got them all new backpacks for the new school year, and he insisted he needed one to, so of course he got one. Now every morning he gets up, gets dressed and puts his backpack on and wears it all day, saying "I am ready for cool now." He is sure he is going, and the sad truth is he isn't! He isn't going until next year, because he is only 3, and he is my baby and I am not ready for him to run off and leave me just yet, it's bad enough the other 2 are in school already. So anyway I told the baby that he was not going to go to school and he has decided that he will go live with his granny, there are 2 reason he wants to go live with her. She is his favorite person in the world, he loves her more than he loves anyone, and he is sure she will let him go to school. My mom isn't that typical spoil the children kind of grandmother. She doesn't buy them lots of toys everytime she see them, and she doesn't give them their way all the time. She has spanked them all on several occasions, and they have needed it, she treats them the same way I treat them really, but she loves them almost as much as I do. They know she loves them, and they love her. The baby thinks she is wonderful, she is his best friend, just ask him and he will tell you "I lub my dranny the berry best." I don't know if mom really wants a 3 year old living with her however much she loves him though. She will take him for a few days, but she is always happy to give him back so she can rest up for the next time she gets to spend time with them. I really don't want to let him go live with her either. I kind of like having my sweet little baby around.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

I have stole Tricias comment!

Well, guys,
I have kidnapped a staff computer for a minute.
If I stop abruptly… I have been caught.

Just a quick update:
Zach is out
Cath is in

Doc tripped Zach's heart
It did flip flops
Doc was happy

Zach has a hole
The pathway that needs to be ablated is in a bad spot so it is going to be tricky
If it's too risky then we will pull out, close up shop and go on meds
Yucky, Yucky meds!

Zach will be hugely disappointed if this doesn't work
He even wore his Homer Simpson Undies.
They say 'Cruel World… why do you mock me so'

Must go… we've been caught!

Ok that was Tricia's comment from her blog, but I wanted to get it out, in case everyone was not checking her comments, like I have been doing ever other minute. Love you Tricia girl and it sounds like everything is going good.

UPDATE: again taken from Tricia's comments.
Zach is awake
He wants a spicy chicken sandwich

Who the hell sells those?
McDonalds, Wendy's…
He uttered those words then fell back asleep

He also called his Girlfriend,
He said jafbanak bejokbe bifiufu
then hung up on her

She called back
She said to tell him that she loves him.

We will have to do the surgery again… You will be here right?

Tricia next time I am coming to Alanta to wait with you!


You all know that Steve and I have not been getting along very well, and I have thought about divorce a lot over the past year. Things came to a head and we have been fighting and talking a lot about things. I think it is good, because before we did not fight and we did not talk. The fighting is much better than the silence and ignoring each other, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about Steve, and why I am with him, and the person he is and the person I want him to be.
Steve saved me from an abusive relationship, without him I would never have gotten out. He made me believe that I was worth something more. He took me when I was at the lowest point I have ever been, and he picked me up, dusted me off, and gave me the strength to get on with life. He boosted my ego, and made me feel safe in a world that I knew was not safe. He was funny and we laughed all the time, he loved to make me laugh. We talked about everything, and did not keep any secrets. He knows everything about my past; he has never questioned it or judged me for anything I had done. I know everything about his past and I have never questioned or judged him, not that his past is very questionable he was mostly a responsible kind of guy. Steve showered me with attention, and we all know I do so love attention.
Steve is a kindhearted person; he has a very gentle soul. He wears his feeling on his sleeve, and is hurt very easily. He likes to pretend he is tough, and can take anything without it affecting him, but I know little things tear him apart. He is a good provider for us, he hates his job, but he goes everyday because he knows the kids need fed and clothed. He loves the boys something fierce and he would kill or die for them. He loves me with all he has. He is a good man. He does not believe in hitting women, and he finds the good in other people most of the time. He has a hard time talking to me about what is bothering him, because he is scared that he will hurt my feelings.
Steve is also a jealous person, him and my oldest often struggle with each other for my attention. He is demanding with my attention, and if I am not giving it he pouts, he pouts a lot, and that drives me insane. He is insecure and thinks I am going to run off with anyone who comes along. He does not understand that after days with the boys all by myself that I just do not have anything left emotionally for him, and he takes it, as I do not love him. He does not get the fact that I just need a little me time, before I can give anyone else anything. Then there is the drinking, he has always been a drunk since the beginning. I am tired of him being gone for a week coming home on a Friday night drinking all night, and then sleeping all the next day, getting up and doing it all over again.
So we are trying to work through this mess we have created for ourselves, and I need him to stop drinking or we are never going to make it. I know that it will be hard, alcoholism is a sickness. I know that he will need outside help, and I do not know if he is willing to get it. He says he will try, and I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I know the pattern. I guess time will tell, but he knows if things get to this point, again, I will take the boys and I will leave. I am not going to live like my mom did, I am tired of being bitter and hateful, and I am not going to wait 20 years for Steve to sober up and see all he is missing. I am trying not to have the attitude that he is going to fail, but like I said I know the pattern so it is hard not to look at my marriage as over already. I guess only time will tell, and I just have to do the best I can
Steve and the boys Posted by Hello
Steve Posted by Hello

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Cold, rainy days drive me insane.

I love cold rainy day for the most part, but with the rain and the mud and the cold the boys are stuck in the house. They have thousands of dollars worth of toys to play with in here, cars and trucks, race tracks, action figures, games, guns, stacks of books, you name it they own it, but yet they say they have nothing to do. How can they have nothing to do? I finally told them to go clean their room, they didn't like that idea either. I swear they are never happy. The oldest told me he needs some video games, and I told him to get a job and buy some. I am really mean that way. I think kids need to be doing something active, not sitting in front of the TV all day playing video games. My oldest is getting to the age where he visits his friends at their houses from time to time, and all I hear is how so and so's mom lets him play video games, and how mean I am because I don't. I have seen these kids that sit day in and day out in front of a television playing these games, they are over weight inactive, lazy little brats for the most part. I am not saying all kids who play video games are that way, but I know quite a few who become that way as teenagers, and I don't want my kids being that way. However if I have to hear "mom we don't have anything to do" or "we're bored mom" one more time I may get them their own tv and every video game on the market just so I don't have to listen to how bored they are anymore.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


The internet seems to bring us together. I have found so many great people here, that I am proud to call my friends. Tricia is one of those friends, she is one of the best friends I have. We just clicked from the moment we found each other in this little blog world. I feel like I have known her forever. I have laughed with her, and cried on her shoulders, and she has never failed to be there for me. Now I am worried with her, as Zach, one of her sons get ready to have heart surgery. You can go to Tricia's site and read about the surgery, it is going to make life a lot better for Zach. He will be able to do all the things he loves to do again, without making his mom worry sick! I know he will do just fine, and everything will go well, but it still doesn't stop me from worrying. That is what friends do, they share those moments with each other, and I know that until the Dr. comes out and tells Tricia that everything went wonderfully she will be a nervous wreck. She will sit in the hospital and wait and wonder what is taking so long and every horrible thought will go through her mind, as she watches the clock and waits. She is his mom, and that is what mom's do worry and love our children. I can't be there with her to hold her hand and hug her and tell her everything is going to be fine. I can't sit and talk with her and try to take her mind off of every minute that passes, and I would so much love to be able to do that for my friend. I know the surgery will go great, and I know that Zach will be a lot better after the surgery, but I know that until Tricia can see him and touch him she will be worried, and until I hear from her I will be worried with her, and for her and for Zach. I love you Tricia girl and just because I am not sitting there with you doesn't mean that I am not thinking about you and your family. So if everyone could send all their love Tricia and Zach way that would be great.

Monday, August 16, 2004

The water consumes me, washing over me, pulling me down to the bottomless void.
I see the sunlight reflecting above me
I feel the life drain from me
I have nothing left to give
I have lost the fight
I am to tired to struggle against the ever present current pulling me farther and farther down
I sink
And another part of my soul dies,
and I just try to survive

I give
You take
My soul is empty
I have built my walls
My heart is ripped and torn
I give
You take
Love is lost
Never regained
So much torment and pain
I give
You take
Tortured lives
Bitter and insecure
There is never any change
I give
You take
Live goes on
As before
I give
You take

Sunday, August 15, 2004

I don't know why but this song reminds me of Jack when he is talking to Jay

Rough and Ready
Trace Adkins

Mudgrips - white-tip
Cigar stickin' out of my face
Earnhardt racing sticker on the window
Banged up fender
4x4 - straight pipe roar
Primer and rust all over the door
Scarred up knuckles, Mack belt buckle
White t-shirt - Ain't afraid to work
Got a 'what-are-you-looking-at-asshole' smirk

Cold beer, hot wings
Wranglers, Skoal ring
Get just what you see
Gun rack, ball cap
Don't take no crap
Ain't a pretty boy-toy
I'll rock you steady
Rough and ready

Work boots - one blue suit
Size too small - don't wear at all
Unless somebody kicks - gets hitched
That's a bi*** - makes me itch
Up with sun - off on the run
Makin' money money - cause I wanna have fun
5 o'clock whistle - off like a missle
Got a hot date, girl named Kate
Think's I'm cool - 'cause I shoot straight
Ain't one thing about her fake
She's long and tall - and she goes great with

Cold beer, hot wings
Wranglers, Skoal ring
Get just what you see
Gun rack, ball cap
Don't take no crap
Ain't a pretty boy-toy
I'll rock you steady
Rough and ready

Well you are who you are
And that's all right with me
Well I am who I am
And that's all I can be

Cold beer, hot wings
Wranglers, Skoal ring
Get just what you see
Gun rack, ball cap
Don't take no crap
Ain't a pretty boy-toy
I'll rock you steady
Rough and ready

Rough and ready
Yeah...me and my buddies are all alike

Saturday, August 14, 2004

My baby makes my day!

My 3 year old is the sweetiest boy in the world. The other day I was sad and he climbed into my lap and said "I dist love you so much momma, I am going to marry you up." Then last night he was talking to his Aunt Jo on the phone, and he told her "I am gonna marry you up, aunt Jo, and dranny and mom too." His brothers in all their older brother wisdom told him "you can't marry mom she is already married." Oh they do so make my world a brighter place.

the song of the day is
Grand Illusion

Welcome to the grand illusion
Come on in and see what’s happening
Pay the price, get your tickets for the show
The stage is set, the band starts playing
Suddenly your heart is pounding
Wishing secretly you were a star.

But don’t be fooled by the radio
The tv or the magazines
They show you photographs of how your life should be
But they’re just someone else’s fantasy
So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because you never win the game
Just remember that it’s a grand illusion
And deep inside we’re all the same.
We’re all the same...

So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because your neighbors got it made
Just remember that it’s a grand illusion
And deep inside we’re all the same.
We’re all the same...

America spells competition, join us in our blind ambition
Get yourself a brand new motor car
Someday soon we’ll stop to ponder what on earth’s this spell we’re under
We made the grade and still we wonder who the hell we are

Friday, August 13, 2004

ok ok time for something lighter

I am tired of all the depressing stuff, especially after Ren started all the cowboy talk again. It is just to hard to be depressed thinking about them, but on the realistic side of the cowboy life I have to post these lyrics for all the single girls who think they might want one for their own.

Chris ledoux
Whatcha gonna do with a cowboy.

I can see you got your eye on this old cowboy,

and I can tell you ve never had one for your own,

Or you've never been around one,

now you re thinkin' that you've found one,

Well it might be kinda fun to take him home.

You giggle every time that I say yes ma'am

and I get this feelin' if I held you tight,

You'd be seein' his and hers,

buckles boots and spurs,

But that s a feelin' you ll get over overnight.


Cause whatcha' gonna do with a cowboy

when that old rooster crows at dawn,

When he's lyin' there instead,

of getttin' out of bed

and puttin' on his boots and gettin gone,

What you gonna do when he says honey

I've got half a mind to stay,

What you gonna do with a cowboy,

when he don't saddle up and ride away.

You can see it takes a special kinda woman

to put with the life a cowboy leads,

Cause his boots are always muddy,

and his beer drinkin buddies

will camp out on your couch and never leave,

Don't even start to think you're gonna change him,

you'd be better off to try and rope the wind,

What you see is what he's got,

and he can't be what he's not

and honey you can't hide him from your friends.


And here is something
Angi sent me. She knows I can't stand him. The truth as told by the men who served with him.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Here is a little story for you.

She was a party girl, always fun to be around. She had a knack for making everyone around her laugh and pay attention to her. That was the problem, she always demanded attention, and she had a need for it. Mostly she craved the attention of men, but unfortunately the men she seemed to attract were not the kind she would bring home to meet the family. That is how she met him being a party girl, hanging out with all the wrong people. Drugs and booze were the standard in her life. She was fun when she got lit out of her mind and couldn’t remember the crazy stuff she did. Yeah, fun, but it also helped with the excuses she told herself the next day. The drugs and booze always allowed her to be someone else, a game she has master now. Inside she was dying to fit in, with the crowd. Inside she had a need as hot as fire to make them like her, no she needed them to love her.
It was at one of these parties that she met him. He was gorgeous, and she never dreamed he would give her the time of day, but he did. He showered her with attention, and she loved it, as she always did when men came into her life. It didn’t take long until they became lovers; it never seemed to take long. Her self respect was long gone after years of drinking, drugs, and men. This one seemed to know just how to play her, and he wanted more than the others did. He told her pretty lies, she knew they were lies, but she needed to believe them. He told her he loved her, and in a way he probably did.
She had been his and only his from the first night they met. They moved in together, and were happy for a little while, until she stopped the drugs and drinking. She slowly started to grow up and want things in life, a future, only to find that he could careless about giving her one. She started cutting off ties from her past, because he owned her. She couldn’t leave the house without his permission, so in order to keep him happy she gave in to his demands. She threw herself into her job, longing for more and more hours at work so she wouldn’t have to be home with him. She longed for a way out. Then the drugs, it is hard for a reformed party girl to handle all the drugs. She did though for awhile, and tried to figure out an escape. He was using more and more drugs now, and no matter how she begged him he wouldn’t quit. He just changed drugs of choice, the crank was the worse, and he was just mean when crank came into the picture. He loved the drugs, and he loved owing her. Seven years she had put up with the shit life. She knew she had to get out or she was going to end up dead.
She was clean and sober, and had been for a few years now; she was tired of fighting and needed some strength to do what she knew she had to do. She was planning her get away with every waking moment. She never knew he was on to the plan, but she remembers the night it all turned worse. Oh he had hit her before, a black eye every now and then, a broken nose once, lots of bruised ribs, he always liked hitting her there the best, and no one knew when they couldn’t see the marks. This night was very different though, the monster unleashed all his rage, this night. She was sitting talking on the phone to her sister, and he came storming through the door.
“Where the fuck is my lighter.” He demanded.
“I don’t know did you look over there on the coffee table?” She said.
She had never received a look like that from anyone in her life, a cold dead look that told her he may kill her tonight. She was scared to move as fear took over her body, a fear she had never experienced in all her life.
“Hey sis I need to let you go. I will call you back later.”
“What is going on, should I call the cops?”
“No don’t do that, I will call you in a bit ok.”
“Ok but if you don’t call me in the next hour I am calling the cops.”
“Ok bye talk to you later.”
In her heart she wished her sister would call the cops, but there was no way she was going to piss him off more than he was already. He lunged toward her as she hung up the phone, she buried her face with her hands, and he started beating her about the head and neck. His fists came down like hammers on her head; she could hardly make a sound. She whimpered for him to stop, but he didn’t. She was afraid to fight back, afraid it would provoke him more. She was afraid he was going to beat her to death. She tried to think what had she done to cause his rage, she must have done something. When the fists stopped hitting her, and she heard him walk off, she slowly opened her eyes. She got up and bolted for the door, and almost made it to the car, when he grabbed her arm and jerked her around so she could see the gun pointing at her.
“Get in the car.” He demanded. Frightened for her life she did as she was told.
He got in behind her still holding the gun pointing at her head.
She started the car and he gave her directions. She was in a panic, afraid if she messed up just once he would kill her. He made her drive to a deserted gravel pit, and told her to stop.
“I am going to kill you, you fucking bitch.”
She still doesn’t know where the courage came from, but she was calm all of a sudden. She often thinks that looking at death gives you the courage to fight. She looked him square in the eyes, she was unshaken now.
“You don’t have the fucking guts to kill me, and spend your life in prison.”
For some reason these words make him lower the gun and he started to cry.
“You are not leaving me. I can’t let you leave me, and I heard you talking to your sister about your big plan.”
She had thought that he was gone, and he was standing under the window listening to her pour her heart out to her sister, now she understood. He had often told her if she ever tried to leave him he would kill her.
“I am not leaving you. Where did you get an idea like that?”
“I heard you tell her.”
“No that is not what we were talking about. You should have listened to the whole conversation.” She lied.
She knew if she could just keep the upper hand it would all work out and she would walk away with her life.
He grabbed her and pulled her to him. She wrapped her arms around him and they cried together, and she knew she would come out ok. Bruised and battered, but with her life. He took her home and they make love, she was willing to do anything to keep him from beating her more or killing her. She was planning her next move as she lay there in his arms, and he told her all the usual lies. He was sorry and he would never hurt her again. He told her how much he needed her. She lied and told him she loved him, and would never leave. Fear will make even the most honest person lie.
She had told a friend at work, about the way he was and she trusted this friend. He had often said if she ever needed a place to go she could stay with him.
The next day she got out of bed, stiff and sore, and beaten, he was gone. She called her friend and he came and they loaded her belonging in a truck and trailer, and she never looked back. He would show up where she worked and try to follow her home, but she would never go home when she knew he was following her. The people at work always walked her to her car and they never left her alone anywhere he might be. After awhile he quit following her, and moved on to a new creature to lash out on. She often feels guilty, because she never told the other woman what she was in for, but the guilt doesn’t last. She knows if he had not found another he would still be tormenting her.

If I knew then....

I do not usually talk about me here. Mostly this is a place where I tell stories of the boys, and just chatty stuff. Today I just feel the need to talk about my life. I find it hard to blog about the things that bother me, or the stuff that I am dealing with. It is not easy to tell a bunch of strangers just how I feel, I guess I am scared of appearing weak. Weakness is not expectable in my life. I am strong and can deal with anything and come out on top at least that is what I try to tell myself. I am not so strong really, I am as fragile as a child is, and I break easily. I deal with many people who have hurt me by building walls and blocking them out of my life. I have done that with Steve a lot. I do not think I will ever be able to let him back in. We have had many problems for years now, well sense the beginning really. He drinks too much, and I tend not give a shit about anything. I forget to pay bills, and I leave the dishes in the sink for weeks at a time, I just get a whole I do not give a shit about anything attitude, because I know it will piss him off. I am working on that attitude, because I have to care for the sake of my boys. It has become a vicious circle around here, and it finally came to a head just before I took my trip to Colorado in July. A few weeks ago I left, and went to my mom’s intending on getting a divorce. Steve and I do not talk; we do not really even fight. He pouts, and I get pissy and avoid him. I left and went to moms with the boys. He wanted to know if I would come home, and we could talk things out. I ended up coming home, because when it comes right down to it, I do not want to be a single mom struggling to raise three boys alone, and he does not want to be a part time father. I have been here for almost 2 weeks and we have yet to talk about anything, we just go on as if nothing ever happened. We smile and play with the boys, and act as if we are happy, when we are both miserable. Steve is a very insecure and jealous person he hates the fact that I am on the computer and he accuses me all the time of having online boyfriends, and cheating on him. I have many online friends both male and female, but I do not plan on running off with anyone, and I have more respect for my boys and myself than to cheat on him. That drives me insane that he acts that way. It drives me insane that he is so jealous of everyone in my life besides him, it drives me nuts that he drinks, his family pisses me off, the fact that he takes no interest in anything that I enjoy really pisses me off. I don’t expect him to be involved in my stuff, but I do expect to be allowed to do the things I love to do. I love Steve he is the father of my boys, and I will always care about him to some extent, but that “this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with” feeling left a long time ago, and there is no hope of ever getting that back. I have too many walls built up now, and we lack the communication skills to even crack open a window. I know I am not an easy person to live with either I am moody. I get hateful, and I close people off. I do not talk to him anymore than he talks to me, so I am not blaming this all on him it took both of us to get to this point. I am just upset that I let it get to this point. I should have followed my instincts in the beginning and never married him, but I made my bed now I have to lay in it or something like that.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

My baby is coming home!

Mom has had my oldest since we went to the lake on Sat. I miss him so much it is unreal. He is a chatterbox, always talking, and my house has been so quiet even with the other two still home. I miss his rattling on and on about nothing, I miss him entertaining his brothers, and I even miss them fighting. I miss holding him, and I miss his little loving arms wrapping around my neck, and his "I love you mom", I miss tucking him in at night, and those sweet little goodnight kisses. I miss him sneaking into my bed at 3am. I miss him so much it hurts. I know he has been in good hands with people he loves and they love him almost as much as I do, but I wish that he wouldn't stay gone so long! It seems like just yesterday when he would beg to go to granny's and the next day I was going to get him because he missed me. Now it is I am staying all week mom, and he does. How do they grow up so fast, he is only 6, what am I going to do when he gets old enough to have his own life? I love all my boys so much and there is something special about each one of them, but me and the oldest have a special bond that is just a little different then I have with the other two. The oldest is my little man, he likes to take care of mom, and he loves me more than he loves anyone. I am just glad I finally put my foot down and said he had to come home today!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

I have seized control! Round 9 of the storytelling game is on!

Jenn drew her sword, but Collin was no match for her great skill.

"I shall spare your life, as long as you play the games Collin!" she told him as she held the blade to his throat.

OK that isn't really how it happened. Collin thinks he is busy at work, and begged me to start the game, ok ok so he didn't really beg. He said I could if I wanted to, and we all know what it is like waiting around for him to do it!

JayJay won the last round, great job Jay! So he picked the words, so blame him if you don't like them, I had nothing to do with it! HEEHEE! Here they are:
1. salient
2. rock
3. glow
4. fringe
5. metallic
6. hush
7. damask
8. apex
9. flame
10. incipient

You have until sunday to post a story this time, that is like 6 days people, and you know which people I am talking about. I won't meantion any names, Collin and Derek K, because that would just be rude to point out some people are not playing! The theme this time will be porn, NO I am kidding the is no theme so write about whatever you feel like writing about just write!

Oppps forgot to link it up!!! here yes click here and it will take you right to the spot you need to be to post your story. Come on people you know you want to.

OH and if there was a price for being my 5000th visitor it would go to Tricia!

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Fun and Sun

I hear tale that many people actually enjoy the heat; I am not one of those people. I prefer the cool weather, and I actually love the snow. I like the vast blanket of white that covers the ground as far as you can see, and the crisp air that shows each breath you take. Winter is much better then the blistering heat of summer for me. The summer heat makes me hot and cranky. I sometimes forget this and do stupid things like go to the lake where it is even hotter. That is what I did this weekend. I took the boys to Glendo; we met my parents there and proceeded to find their boat, which daddy had some friends pull out ahead of time. Well the day started fine. We drove out and found the boat, and then took off to the dock, only to find that the water level is so low this year the dock is about 10 feet from the waters edge! This is not good; we have to use the dock to get this 20-foot pontoon into the water. After a little argument between mom and dad, we head back the 12 miles to the marina, as that is the only dock on the lake that is in the water. We load the kids and Sadie, mom's dog, on the boat, mom and I get on and dad proceeds to back down the half mile of ramp, almost dropping us over the edge a couple of times. At that point I think he would have happily drove us over the edge if his beloved grandchildren had not been on the boat, we were all already hot and bitchy. Thank God, for the boys they saved their mom and granny from a horrible fall over the rocky cliff to our death, I knew I had kids for a reason! We get the boat in the water, everyone is in a better mood, and off we go on our journey into the sun. Dad as usually has planned this trip to include some of his buddies, but has neglected to inform mom before hand. So we spend about an hour and a half, cruising the waters edge looking for these people that dad knows. Then dad decides, finally, to let the boys’ fish!

My middle one loves to fish. He can cast his pole out and sit for hours waiting for that whooper to nibble on his bait. The other two are not as patience as the middle one, they get bored after about 15 minutes. We sat with the sun beating down on us and fished, well the middle one fished, the oldest one wanted to swim, and the baby just wanted “dranny” to catch him a fish, which she did. We sat there for about an hour, mom caught a fish for the baby, and then got another one, which she let the middle one reel in, and then we went back to patrolling the shoreline! Dad found his buddies and they all loaded onto the boat and we went off to this atrocious little beach that was filled with cock a burrows and red slimy mud that stank like dead fish, and we ate lunch and let all the kids swim in the yuck. By this time I had all I could stand of the fun in the sun, I had daddy take me back to the marina so I could just come home. I had a headache and the inside of my thighs were sunburned.

We pull up to the loading place and it is full with boats, so we pull up along the slip that was privately own, but empty. We were staying by that slip long enough for me and the boys to get off the boat, and some asshole starts screaming at us that we don’t pay for that spot therefore we can’t park there. Mom politely says we are just letting the kids out of the boat we are not staying; he gets belligerent and starts saying how we need to play by the rules, that is his buddies spot and yada yada. I told him to go back to guarding his own slip and shut the f**k up, I just wanted off the boat and no one was hurting a thing. I thought my dad was going to park the boat and stomp a mud whole in the stupid jerks ass. If I had not had three small boys in tow, I would have knocked the crap out of the asshole. I could see him getting upset if it was his spot and we were trying to park the boat there, but for Christ sake, we were there less than a minute, and it was not even his spot. Of course he has this big cabin cruiser that cost more then most people make in a year, I should of told him that he was making up for having a small penis. Oh well you know you find an asshole everywhere you go now a days, and in the end everyone on the dock thought he was just making as ass out of himself, which he was. They were all commenting to me on the way out what a jackass they thought he was, and I did tell the woman with small children I was sorry her kids had to hear those words come out of my mouth; she just said she did not blame me he was acting like a jerk.

That was our lake experience, and we did not stay to camp that night. I had enough sun so me and the two youngest came home my oldest stayed with his grandparents, who called me on the way home to tell me they were not staying to camp either.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Oh the joy

I have been cleaning the bathroom. I hate cleaning the bathroom. Why do little boys have such a hard time with aim and when do they learn to shake it off so it doesn't dribble all over the seat? I swear and the back splash doesn't help either! I should have taught them to sit down and pee everytime and then it wouldn't be so bad! They all love to pee outside maybe I should just make them go out there with the dogs! They would think it was cool I finally changed my mind about them peeing outside and I would be an awesome mom in their eyes! I don't know if the grass would last though, and it has taken forever to get the grass to grow in as good as it has. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't it seems. I will just have to keep cleaning the bathroom I guess!


Ok I am getting ready to go do the lake thing for the weekend with the boys! We shall see if they can out fish their grandpa, they usually do. I think that is because grandpa is to busy helpping them fish to actually get a line of his own in the water! Hope everyone has a great weekend, and I don't get burned to a crisp!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Oh Viggo

I was gonna post last night, but decided to watch Halidgo first. I went to put it in the DVD player and the damn thing wouldn't work. I was getting a little frustrated as I kept hitting the power button and nothing was happening. I unplugged all the wires and slid the DVD player out of it's little whole. I tip it forward and it sounded like I had just hit the jackpot on a nickel slot machine. I had to take the whole thing apart and dig out the $2.58 in change, mostly pennies. I asked who put all the change in it and the baby proudly says "it's my piggy bank" I had to tell him if he used my DVD player for a piggy bank again I would have to send him to live somewhere else, which to that he just said "I wanna live with dranny!" very excited that I may finally let him go live with her. He loves his dranny more than he loves anyone in the world. If you ask him who he loves he will tell you "I love my dranny, and then my mom." So I get the DVD player put back together and it works again. It is late by this time so I have to put the boys in bed, and I told them they better stay in bed tonight, because I was mad. They told me all the stuff I wanted to here like yes they would stay in bed and they loved me and all that. I kissed their little faces and squeezed them tight, thinking the whole time Viggo is waiting! I headed back to the living room, put the movie in and sat down.
"Mom I have to pee"
"Ok well go then."
"ME too"
"Me too"
So they all got up and went pee, and then they got a drink, and then they all came in to get one more kiss, and then they needed me to fix their blankets, and finally I sat on the edge of the bed and sang them a few song, because they don't know I am a really bad singer yet, and they finally went to sleep. Oh alone with Viggo at last! I got to watch my movie, and what more could a girl ask for it was Viggo the cowboy, and he plays a good cowboy! Everytime he said "Ma'am" I got shivers! It was a really good movie, but it was so late when it got over I didn't have time to post!

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Strange how people take an interest.

I find it interesting that there are people that never take an interest in what is going on in my life, and then all the sudden they show up on my blog. Boom out of the blue there they are just when things are not going so good, and they think that I don't know who they are or what they are up to. I don't think it would bother me so much if they had been here all along, but they show up to spy on me. They show up trying to gather information, not because they enjoy reading what I write or because they like me or anything like that, they are simply here to see who I am talking to and when I am online and things that are just plan nobody's business but mine. It has only added to my anger. I know everyone that visits my site, and how long they have been visiting. I know a lot of my family reads this and a lot of my friends and I am so glad you guys are here weather you comment or not I know your here, and I thank you for being here. I am sure the people I am talking about know I am talking about them. They should also know that this is my space, my little place to be, and they are invading that space. This is a public blog and your more than welcome to come and go as you please, but I just want you to know that I know your here and I know why.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

wooohoo look who's home!

Well I am home. I have been at my moms for the last few days. The boys all got hair cuts while we were there, and it was nice to just sit and visit with my parents. I enjoy spending time with them, and so do the boys. The boys want to move in with granny and grandpa, and honestly I would let them somedays! Mom has a bunch of high school kids around her neighborhood, and last night we were all outside, and some of them stopped to talk to mom. The baby was on the porch with me and he looks at me and said, "Granny is talking to some girls!" He flew off the porch and proceeded to tell the girls he wasn't shy, and he liked to dance, "I do that all the time" he said. Then he did a little dance, and said "see I just did it all the time again!" They thought he was pretty funny. We came home today and went to the store and got some food, because these little monsters of mine will eat a person out of house and home, and then go beg from the neighbors! So I am off to put away all our wares.