Thursday, August 12, 2004

If I knew then....

I do not usually talk about me here. Mostly this is a place where I tell stories of the boys, and just chatty stuff. Today I just feel the need to talk about my life. I find it hard to blog about the things that bother me, or the stuff that I am dealing with. It is not easy to tell a bunch of strangers just how I feel, I guess I am scared of appearing weak. Weakness is not expectable in my life. I am strong and can deal with anything and come out on top at least that is what I try to tell myself. I am not so strong really, I am as fragile as a child is, and I break easily. I deal with many people who have hurt me by building walls and blocking them out of my life. I have done that with Steve a lot. I do not think I will ever be able to let him back in. We have had many problems for years now, well sense the beginning really. He drinks too much, and I tend not give a shit about anything. I forget to pay bills, and I leave the dishes in the sink for weeks at a time, I just get a whole I do not give a shit about anything attitude, because I know it will piss him off. I am working on that attitude, because I have to care for the sake of my boys. It has become a vicious circle around here, and it finally came to a head just before I took my trip to Colorado in July. A few weeks ago I left, and went to my mom’s intending on getting a divorce. Steve and I do not talk; we do not really even fight. He pouts, and I get pissy and avoid him. I left and went to moms with the boys. He wanted to know if I would come home, and we could talk things out. I ended up coming home, because when it comes right down to it, I do not want to be a single mom struggling to raise three boys alone, and he does not want to be a part time father. I have been here for almost 2 weeks and we have yet to talk about anything, we just go on as if nothing ever happened. We smile and play with the boys, and act as if we are happy, when we are both miserable. Steve is a very insecure and jealous person he hates the fact that I am on the computer and he accuses me all the time of having online boyfriends, and cheating on him. I have many online friends both male and female, but I do not plan on running off with anyone, and I have more respect for my boys and myself than to cheat on him. That drives me insane that he acts that way. It drives me insane that he is so jealous of everyone in my life besides him, it drives me nuts that he drinks, his family pisses me off, the fact that he takes no interest in anything that I enjoy really pisses me off. I don’t expect him to be involved in my stuff, but I do expect to be allowed to do the things I love to do. I love Steve he is the father of my boys, and I will always care about him to some extent, but that “this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with” feeling left a long time ago, and there is no hope of ever getting that back. I have too many walls built up now, and we lack the communication skills to even crack open a window. I know I am not an easy person to live with either I am moody. I get hateful, and I close people off. I do not talk to him anymore than he talks to me, so I am not blaming this all on him it took both of us to get to this point. I am just upset that I let it get to this point. I should have followed my instincts in the beginning and never married him, but I made my bed now I have to lay in it or something like that.

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