Thursday, August 19, 2004


You all know that Steve and I have not been getting along very well, and I have thought about divorce a lot over the past year. Things came to a head and we have been fighting and talking a lot about things. I think it is good, because before we did not fight and we did not talk. The fighting is much better than the silence and ignoring each other, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about Steve, and why I am with him, and the person he is and the person I want him to be.
Steve saved me from an abusive relationship, without him I would never have gotten out. He made me believe that I was worth something more. He took me when I was at the lowest point I have ever been, and he picked me up, dusted me off, and gave me the strength to get on with life. He boosted my ego, and made me feel safe in a world that I knew was not safe. He was funny and we laughed all the time, he loved to make me laugh. We talked about everything, and did not keep any secrets. He knows everything about my past; he has never questioned it or judged me for anything I had done. I know everything about his past and I have never questioned or judged him, not that his past is very questionable he was mostly a responsible kind of guy. Steve showered me with attention, and we all know I do so love attention.
Steve is a kindhearted person; he has a very gentle soul. He wears his feeling on his sleeve, and is hurt very easily. He likes to pretend he is tough, and can take anything without it affecting him, but I know little things tear him apart. He is a good provider for us, he hates his job, but he goes everyday because he knows the kids need fed and clothed. He loves the boys something fierce and he would kill or die for them. He loves me with all he has. He is a good man. He does not believe in hitting women, and he finds the good in other people most of the time. He has a hard time talking to me about what is bothering him, because he is scared that he will hurt my feelings.
Steve is also a jealous person, him and my oldest often struggle with each other for my attention. He is demanding with my attention, and if I am not giving it he pouts, he pouts a lot, and that drives me insane. He is insecure and thinks I am going to run off with anyone who comes along. He does not understand that after days with the boys all by myself that I just do not have anything left emotionally for him, and he takes it, as I do not love him. He does not get the fact that I just need a little me time, before I can give anyone else anything. Then there is the drinking, he has always been a drunk since the beginning. I am tired of him being gone for a week coming home on a Friday night drinking all night, and then sleeping all the next day, getting up and doing it all over again.
So we are trying to work through this mess we have created for ourselves, and I need him to stop drinking or we are never going to make it. I know that it will be hard, alcoholism is a sickness. I know that he will need outside help, and I do not know if he is willing to get it. He says he will try, and I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I know the pattern. I guess time will tell, but he knows if things get to this point, again, I will take the boys and I will leave. I am not going to live like my mom did, I am tired of being bitter and hateful, and I am not going to wait 20 years for Steve to sober up and see all he is missing. I am trying not to have the attitude that he is going to fail, but like I said I know the pattern so it is hard not to look at my marriage as over already. I guess only time will tell, and I just have to do the best I can

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