Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I have a compulsion to write, like someone with ocd has to turn the lights out 40 times before they can leave a room, I have to put words on paper to get them all out of my head. It's like a sickness really, especially since most of my words don't make much sense. Then there are the times the words don't come and I am left dazed trying to make some sort of normal out of my life. Sometimes I find myself writing the boys' names over and over and over just so that I can go through the motions. I prefer pen and paper. The way the ink glides over the smooth surface creating words is some what of a turn on for me. I've spent most of my writing time lately like that late at night laying in bed just me a notebook and a pencil, usually it's been a pencil because the boys have lots of them laying around, and I've thrown out most of the pens because they are harder to get off the walls. I think I write there because I can't say the things in those journals here. I can't write about the things that might upset other people here, because they don't understand. It's unfair, because this is where I like to put my thoughts and ideals and ranting and raving. I might start doing it again, or maybe I'll do it under an assumed name on a different blog.

I think there are those of us who write and those of us who don't. The people who don't will never understand those of us who do. Steve has never understood my need to write, he thinks it's crazy. I don't understand his need to be drunk, so I guess that makes us even. I need words on a page as much as I need the air that I breath it's what makes me whole.

In real news I am going to go see my baby sister the end of next week. It's going to be a long drive she lives in St. Louis and that is 1050 miles away from here. I might not make it back alive after 16 hours on the road with 3 children. It's long when we go the 6 hours to my grandparents house. I think my truly insane nature is shining out brightly and I may end up in my proper place a padded cell, before I make it home. Wish me luck I'm going to need it.

Oh and I've been taking pictures here's some

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