Thursday, July 08, 2004

A journey into my past.

I was blog hopping tonight as I do so often. I came to Miss Vadergrrrl's blog. I know most people stop by because she talks about sex, and who doesn't like sex, but she is really so much more than you read in her sex posts. Vadergrrrl is a such a beautiful person inside and out. So anyway she has a few poems she wrote from her younger years posted. I got to wondering just what I wrote when I was younger. I have boxes of stuff I have written over the years. I actually learned a lot about my life going through the box from 8th grade to my first year at college. I was a messed up child. I wrote a lot about death, mostly my own. I may have been a bit suicidal ok I was a lot suicidal. I wrote a lot about being insane and going insane. I think that stems for the fact that I have never really felt like people understand me. Which is my fault really I tend to close doors when people get to close to me, but I am learning not to do that anymore. I have poems about every one of my boyfriends, and some of them I have no clue who they were, Matt was apparently really hot and a really good kisser when I was 15. He must not have been that hot or that good, cause I have no memory of him now. I have always been flighty about relationships though. I also found pictures my friend Randy drew for me, I miss him, and often wonder what happened to him. I wrote volumes about Jason, my friend that died in a head on collision our senior year, because he was drinking and driving. I will never forget sitting in marketing class just a few days before it happened. He was giving me crap about my car being parked on the sidewalk and him telling me I shouldn't drive when I am wasted, that just made me cry. I also discovered I wanted so badly to kill my best friend and I quote "I wish I could just stick a knife through his heart and watch him die." I have several about him some good some not so good. We were actually just best friends, but we were together so much everyone just assumed we were dating so I guess we started believing it too. I left him to move to Denver where I met the love of my life. You know that one special person you should spend the rest of your life with, yeah he is in Colorado somewhere still. I still write about him a lot, but you can't live in the what could of been. I have always had a great fear of being alone. I always feel alone, and I am always searching for ways not to be, that may explain why I have always jumped from man to man. I think they can save me from myself, when in reality the only person that can save me is me. I don't know if I am sad I went on that journey or enlightened, maybe a bit of both. So I leave you with this.
Cold dark and alone
Pictures on a wall
deep water still and blue
colors of a full moon
dripping tears fragile and frail
cold dark and alone

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