Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Can't they stay little until their carters wear out

Last night I was sorting through cloth that the boys have out grown, and boxing them up to give to someone who can actually use them. Steve walked in and I held up a little shirt with dinosaurs on it and said "remember this" and then I said words to my husband I never thought I would say. I actually told him "I want another baby." I am barley able to raise the ones I have, I am an unorganized mess most of the time. I would have to say that being a mom is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life. I looked at my husband and said "why did we decide not to have anymore babies?" he said "well you decided that not me." Then it dawned on me that if I had not gotten fixed we would be on number 6 now at the rate we were going. I don't think that I really want another baby, I wouldn't mind having one, but I think it is just the fact that mine are growing up so fast. Cameron just turned 5, Colton will be 4 in April and David is 6 and a half. David is already telling me "there is only ten more years until I can drive mom." I am faced with the fact that no matter how much I want them to stay little and need me forever they are going to grow up. There is nothing I can do to prevent that fact. I wonder what I am going to do when they grow up and leave me? I have no life outside my kids, well besides this box, they are the very reason that I breath. I look back and try to remember what is was like before I had them, and I can't remember what I did before they were around. Every dream I have is for them, every step I take is for them. I live for my boys, and I like it that way. They are my foundation, they are what I have built my life on, and they are growing up to damn fast for me. I can't have anymore babies, and to be really honest I don't want to have more, I just want the ones I have to stay little for awhile longer!

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