Beetles suck

I was getting the boys ready for bed when I notice that we are out of milk. It seems it's always late at night when I notice things like that. So I tell the boys to quickly put their clothes back on so we can run up to the store and get some milk really fast. We go, we get back, and I am carry a sack of donuts and the milk. I approach the front door, that is when I see them, 4 or 5 huge red beetles and they fly. I can take snakes, rats, spiders, but those damn beetles send me into a full blow panic attack.

I run to the side walk, almost in tears. David yells "throw me your shoe mom" and I do. He is swinging that shoe right and left smacking them and crunching them against the cement. I am screaming from the sidewalk "kill them David kill them". I am surprised that every neighbor wasn't running out to see what the crazy woman was yelling about. I see the last one fly off and I scream "open the door baby open the damn door!" David flings the door open and I sprint inside. My heart was thumping, cold sweat was pouring off me, and I was close to tears as I slammed the door behind me. David hugged me and told me it was all going to be ok.

Those creepy damn beetles are going to be the death of me I'm sure of it. Thankfully I had a child to save me. The next day he went out front and swept them all off the steps so I could take them to school and wouldn't have to look at them. What a kid he is and I am damn lucky he loves me enough to save me. The other 2 just walked in the door like nothing was happening. If David hadn't of saved me I would have had to spend the night in the van.

My side hurts!

I love my internet friends they are some of the funniest people I have ever know. Angi as most of you know is one funny lady, but yesterday she about killed me she had me laughing so hard, and she didn't even mean to!

I left a comment on her blog, we were talking about learning disabilities, or more the lack of D getting any help for his reading disabilities that all the testing the school has done can't find... anyway that is another post. So Angi sends me this email:

Jenn, have they done a Woodcock Johnson test on him?

I about fell out of my chair. Who in the world came up with the WOOD COCK JOHNSON test? My first thought was "Well Angi I already know he has one of those, he was born with it." heeheeeheee. It's a real test Angi made me google it! I just don't know if I can ask for it without giggling, "Yeah I would like to get David a Woodcock Johnson please." heeheee I giggle like I'm a teenager again just typing it. Heeehee.

Tired

Colton has become a perment fixture in my bed the last couple of nights. I put him in his bed tuck them all up and a few hours later I go to get in my bed, and there he is stretched out in the middle. Now out of all 3 of the boys he is the worst to sleep with. If he gets hot he assumes everyone is hot and pushs the covers into the floor. If he is cold he thinks everyone is cold and piles lots of blanket on everyone. He never sleeps in one spot, he roams all over the bed like he is searching for something that has been lost for a long time. Then after hours of this he finally settles down. He gets sideways in the bed, props both legs in the middle of my back and begins to snore softly. I move his legs off me, scoot him back to Steve's side of the bed and try once again to go to sleep. It last about 3 minutes before he is right back in the same position. I love him, but he is going to have to go right back in with his brothers tonight, no matter how many times I have to move him there. I don't understand how they sleep with him, and manage to actually get any rest, because I sure don't.

I am glad school is almost out. Colton only has 4 more days and then he is mine for the summer! The 31st is track day for the other 2 so we will be doing that, and then June 2nd is their last day! I don't know how it went by so fast, but it seems the older I get the faster the days go by. I am ready for summer with the boys. I miss them when they are at school all day. I don't know what I am going to do when Colton goes to school all day next year. That is going to really suck. I am thinking I will be getting me a job to pass the time. I will go insane sitting here all day waiting for the boys to get home.

Steve has been working working and working some more. He got promoted to a tech so he doesn't have to drive the big trucks anymore. He is happier I think, but he will be gone just as much or more now. I am going to have to get a boyfriend to do all the stuff around this house that I need Steve to do. I'm pretty sure that Steve would enjoy coming home to everything being fixed that needs fixed and the lawn mowed, and all that.

Mommy

One thing I never in my life thought I would ever be called was mom. I never felt that I would be a good mom. Children require a lot of attention and a lot of care, and anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I barely take care of myself. The thought of being responsible for another life still terrifies me. It is my job to make sure I raise them to be productive memebers of society. I am responsible for everything they do, not to meantion their day to day care, and it's a big job. I still don't think I am a good mom, but I do the best I can do. I get them to school on time, I get them feed, I get them to their events on time. I try my best to teach them good manners, how to behave in public, and all that. Sometimes it works and other times I am tired and frustrated from having to tell them over and over again. It just comes with having 3 boys there will be times they make me feel like an utter failure. The one think I am excellent as a mother at, the one thing that I can never fail at or mess up is loving them. I never thought it was possible to love another human the way I love the boys. I like most moms would die or kill for my children. They are the only reason in this world worth getting out of bed everyday for. I often wonder what I did before I had children, what did I live for? My life really had no purpose before them, but now that I have them I am scared that my life will again have no purpose when they all grow up and leave me. I will be stuck all alone with no one to yell at, no one to say "pick that up" to a hundrend times. No one to tuck in at night and read stories to, and hold and hug and kiss and play with. I will once again be all alone with no purpose in life, and that thought terrifies me beyond belief, because although I never ever planned for kids in my life I got them and they changed the entire meaning of my life. The wonderful thing about that is they changed it for the better.

Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there.

Headlines

Most days I don't even read the newpaper. There are just to many depressing things in there, but this morning I was browsing our local online news and a couple articles caught my attention.


First this one parents want to raise the drop out age to 18. Right now our current drop out age is 16, but a child can drop out and no one has to notify the parents. The parents are out of the loop totally. I am legally responsible for my children until they are 18 years old unless they are emacapated by the court, but yet they can drop out of school at 16 and they don't even have to tell me. I am all for changing the age to 18, and if a child wants to drop out before that I think that there needs to be a lot of parent involvement. What options do these kids have once they leave school without that diploma? A big happy future of flipping burgers at Micky D's is about where their lives are going. Our rule in our house is simple if you want to live here rent free then you will be in school or move the hell out and support yourself!


This one is a little more heated. There are many reasons this article gets me. This kid wants his gun rights back, because in his youth he had one domestic violence charge his gun rights were taken away. The great state of Wyoming looked at his record and he met all the demands for having it expongued. We are willing to give his gun rights back to him. It should be a done deal right there. Nope the federal government has to step in and say they will not recognize the Wyoming law. I have a problem with the whole domestic violence laws in the first place. I think the only time the cops should be called to my house for domestic violence is if I call them. That is not how it is the neighbors can over hear a fight Steve and I are having and they can call them, then I don't have to press charges that is left to the responding officers discreation. So I smack Steve in a heated arguement and there is a slap mark on his face and I go off to jail and lose my gun rights from that moment on. I understand why the law is that way, there were far to many domestic calls and to many women getting the crap knocked out of them and when the police got there the woman was the one screaming at the cops not to take their wonderful woman beating man to jail. She wouldn't press charges and 6 months later he beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital or worse dead. I am not saying that it is an unjust law, I'm just saying it doesn't fit all domestic calls. Anyway back to the topic.

The federal government needs to step off. It should not be their call when it is a state matter. It's that simple. Our state has decided that what happened in this boys youth should not follow him into his adult life, and they need to respect that.

DELETE

That is all I seem to be doing over the past week, deleting. I have started a dozen or more posts and nothing seemed to work. So just a general what's going on post will have to do.

Can everyone say over extended. Yep that is the story of my life with 3 boys who all want to be involved in something. Colton is in the middle of his soccer season. He loves it, or more he loves going. I don't think I will ever become a full fledge soccer mom. He is more interested in playing with the other kids. Last night he just wanted to get to the giving out treats because it was his turn to bring them. I had to run the other 2 to swim lessons, because they started 5 mintues before soccor was over. Steve stayed with Colton while I took D and Cam man to swimming. While I was getting Cam undressed I somehow managed to dislocate my pinky finger, yes it hurts like a son of a bitch... but I got them all in the water and in comes Colton and Steve and I quickly start yanking off Colton's cloths so he can swim. We were suppose to have swimming on monday and wednesday, but the classes were full so we got stuck in the tuesday and thursday class. Oh well such is life.

Steve has been gone a lot, but with the price of oil at $72.69 it is expected. The top five ways you can tell the price of oil is up when you live in wyoming:

5: Everywhere you look they are building something.
4: Everyone is driving new cars.
3: All the people you know are moving into a bigger house.
2: Milk is almost $3.00 a gallon.
1: Every other licensen plate you see is from Texas or Oklahoma.

Steve is making good money right now with tons of overtime. I don't think anyone remembers the end of the last oil boom however. I see all these brand new houses going up and they are sold as fast as they are built, and when this little boom is over it is going to leave a lot of people out of work and a lot of houses going back to the bank. That is the way things work in a boom or bust ecomony. We live on natural resources here, and that means either things or good or things are not so good. I hope that this boom last for a long while, it means money in our house, but I am not stupid enough to think it will last forever or even long enough for us to pay off a 200 thousand dollar home.


My granny has been ill lately and that really worries me. I think that my grandparents need to move here or at least to Wright with my mom. They are at the age where they need someone to look out for them. I can't move there, because Steve's got a good job here. Mom can't move there, because dad has a good job where he is at. They are retired so the smart thing would be to move them to mom's, but they won't go. They are to independent and set in their ways. I wish they would just listen and let someone take care of them. Mom has been reduced to tears several times, because she doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to tell her, because there is nothing she really can do.

I am off to finish the laundry and clean the guinea pig cage. Hopefully I'll have something worth while to post soon.

The abduction

I first hear these strange voices, they sound like squeeks and purrs. Then a warm light surrounds me as I am lifted from my bed and tranported into this room that looks a lot like my living room, but it's bigger, there is no tv or computer and the furniture is much newer so I know it isn't my living room. I am standing there trying to force my eyes to focus when I realieze that I am surrounded by some strange aliens. That is when I flip out. I start asking if anyone speaks english, and this thing floats over to me and tells me to settle down. I go off at that point, and I can still remember the words I said.

"Just settle down. What the hell, you take me from my bed and I'm suppose to settle down. I have 3 kids down there that are all alone now you transport me right back to where you got me or I'm going to knock the crap out of you." the whole room went silent and I said "NOW!"

"OK OK settle down."

Then I woke up and the guinea pigs where having a fight making a whole lot of noise. So I don't know if they ever transported me back or not damn aliens! I did not know that they make the same sounds as guinea pigs only louder.

Yesterday Colton came running into the house crying with his nose and forehead all skinned up.

"Oh baby what happened?" I say to him.
"I can't tell you, cause you'll be angry!" his little voice quivered.

At least he didn't lie to me! He was jumping off the neighbors porch and he had been in trouble 2 times already for it. He kind of gave it away when he said I'd be angry.

Well you know...

Yesterday was spent at school helping in the classrooms. If you have never taken the time to spend with 20 4 and 5 year olds you should it is great fun. I am sure I create more chaos then I actually help, because I'm all about the fun! I have found that if you want a child to respond all you really have to do is act interested, which isn't that big of job for me I am interested in what they are learning.

So I played a game with the kindergarteners. They all did very well and we had a good time. Then I ran next door to Colton's class. It was his birthday and we brought cupcakes for the class to share. Well Colton likes pretty things, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, and especially pretty girls. Him and the teachers daughter have had a very close relationship all year. They are best friends. So I get to Colton's class and she informs me that when her and Colton get big they are going to get married, live in a castle, and have 10 kids. Colton is just nodding his head, and then he says "yesterday we were kissing in the hall" very matter of factly.

Colton had decided a long time ago he would be marrying her up. He thinks she is great! I'm pretty fond of her myself, she is a little doll.

Spoiled Rotten

The alarm went off and I threw back the cover, and stumbled to the kitchen.

"What kind of cereal do you guys want." I asked that because I'm a good mom, and want to send them off with full bellys. Hey I didn't say I was a great mom who sent them off with a well balanced meal, but they were feed anyway.

I got three different orders, which is the nice thing about cereal it comes in many different flavors so everyone is happy. Well I get out the paper bowls, because I am tired of digging in the trash for the good bowl, yes Colton throws the bowl, spoon, and all away no matter what I try I can't get it across to him not to, but anyway I place the correct cerals in each bowl and stuff in the plastic spoons. I reach into the fridge and pull out the milk. I am still half asleep and have not had my coffee yet, and I pour the milk into the bowls. Seconds later I am hit with this awful smell. What the hell is it... on my god it is really gross I am thinking and I pick up the cereal think I need to get the boys fed so I can investageate the source. My stomachs lurches as the bowls get closer to me and it dawns on me that the source is the cereal or more exact the milk. I tossed all the bowls into the trash grabbed the milk out of the fridge where I had returned it and look at the date, Mar 29 it says. Well hell I just opened the damn thing yesterday, and I just bought it last week. How can you buy milk in the middle of april with a March experation date! I quickly check the other 2 gallons I bought and they were both good.

Needless to say I had to make breakfast twice this morning.

So I am all out of blog topics... got one? Leave me a comment and I'll try my best to fulfil your requests. I am desperate people I'll take just about anything.

5 days with the boys

The boys have been on Easter break. They are driving me insane with their fighting and bickering. It has been lovely weather so they have been getting to play outside. I got the pleasure of a knee injury playing football, and twisted my ankle slipping in the bubbles they spilled in the kitchen floor. I don't know if I'll make it through the summer.

Saturday night about midnight, the cops showed up at the neighbors house. I have no clue why. I just know that their little girl is more than welcome to play here, but the boys are not to set foot in their house! Anyway as they were leaving we hear bang bang bang. I thought shit they are having a shoot out next door and I went to the window to have a look and I see fireworks shooting off over the houses across the street. Then comes a knock on the door. Steve answers it and it is the cops wondering if we happened to hear the gun shots. How the heck did they miss the flashes of lights in the sky? There were about 12 of them that went off.

Colton started soccer and he loves it. He has his first game on Tuesday, and he is asking me everyday if it is Tuesday.

Why?

10 year old black lab female. Owners had to move and could not take her with them. House broke, affectionate, good with children and other pets.

Now how the hell do you move and leave your 10 year old dog behind? I would have given anything to have another year with Doc his healthy happy self. I mean lets face it I spent 1700 buck in 5 days trying to make that happen. I guess there are people who have dogs, and then there are people who love their dogs.

Steve works with this guy from another state. He just got out of the military and his wife is still in the old state. He came here for a job, and she stayed saying she was going to let the kids finish school there. He ends up sleeping in his car and not eating because he is sending all his money to the wife and kids, and they can't afford 2 rent payments.

My view is that if she truly loved him and wanted to make a life with him she would have packed up the kids and gone with her husband so that he could support her. If Steve got transfered somewhere else I'd be packing boxes right now there wouldn't be any I may come up later. She has not come up one weekend to see him and she is only about 5 hours away. How do you justify your husband, who is paying your way, sleeping in his car to make sure you still have a roof over your head. That is sad.

Their is a new little boy in Colton's class at school. He doesn't have any friends, because as Colton says "he is a whine bag and no one wants to play with a whine bag. He gives me a headache!" I have seen the child 2 times and the on both occassions he has been a whine bag. He gave me a headache too!

Why does his mother put up with such behavior? I wouldn't let my kids get away with that. Mine get in a whiny mood and they get sent to bed, because I am not going to listen to that crap. At least we know where Colton gets it!

Steve wanted to throw Doc's ashes in the back yard! What the hell is up with that? Doc never went outside unless he had to. He perfered to be in the house. It was always warmer or cooler in the house than outside. Not to meantion there are not any beds or couches to lay on outside.

Still I'd rather have his ashes sprinkled in the back yard than have had him stuffed and sitting in the living room. That is what David said we should have done with him. I think we are keeping him right where he is on top of the tv where I can talk to him whenever I want to.

I was reading some of those email meme things today and I got one with the question "your house is on fire what are the things you make sure you get out?"
My kids, the dogs, the guinea pigs, and doc's ashes. Those are the only things that really matter when it come right down to it. Everything else is replacable or not worth risking my life to save.

swimming against the current

It's been really difficult getting past the whole Doc experience. I have not wanted to do anything especially blog. I am behind on everyones lives! I am gonna try to get caught up on that as well as laundry today. Anyone who has children will laugh at that last bit there. It is simply impossible to keep the laundry done. It seems like I spend days washing and drying clothes only to find an even larger pile waiting for me the next morning. Then David has out grown all his pants, which baffles me because they fit him a month ago and now they are all to short and to tight. He looks like he is wearing Colton's pants. Cam use to share pants with Colton, but now he can wear the ones D is growning out of and I had to dig around in the hand me down boxes to find bigger ones for Colton. Which means I have even more laundry to mess with now, because I have to go through and sort all the ones that don't fit anybody anymore. It won't be long before they are all wearing Steve's jeans!

The boys started swimming lessons on Monday. Cam and Colton love it, but David isn't so keen on them. He wants to get in the water and play around, but he really doesn't care about learning to really swim.

Colton starts soccer the 18th of this month. He hates ice skating so I don't have to worry about dishing out the funds for him to play hockey! He is just kind of looking around to figure out what his sport is. That is what he told me anyway, so I hope he likes soccer. It is much cheaper than hockey or baseball.

I get my garden back this summer. Last summer they were working on the siding and I couldn't have it. I really missed walking out and picking some tomatoes for lunch. This year I am planking okra. I have no clue if it will even grow here, but I figured I'd give it a try. There is nothing like fried okra it's better than candy. So I got my little trays to start everything inside this year. Usually I just go buy starter plants, but I was over excited about actually having fresh veggies that I had to get them started now!

The guinea pigs have not left the house again. So I think the boys got the message not to take them outside. At least I hope they did! Buddy dog is still terrified of them. He is pretty sure that they could eat him up within seconds! Jake could careless about them one way or the other.

No one listens to me!

8:30 this morning they started in.

"Mom can we take the guinea pigs outside." they yelled.
"NO DO NOT TAKE THEM OUT!" I yell from my bed.

I lay there a few minutes thinking man why can't these children sleep in. Next I hear the front door open. I get out of bed, throw on some sweatpants, wonder in make my coffee, go pee, sit down and check my emails, go back in and get my cup of coffee. Then I open the window and see the boys are both under the car that is parked in the street.

"What are you boys doing?" I yell.
"Speedy is under the car and we can't get him."
"Jesus Fing christ! What the hell where you guys thinking? Did you not hear me tell you not to take them out?"
Silence.
"Well did you hear me say that or not?"
"Well Cameron said..."
"I don't care who said what. I care that neither one of you listened to me!"

Speedy heard me and he started to emerge from his hiding spot. David quickly grabbed him up and brought him into the house. As he is heading up the stairs I hear Cam yell "Fireball is gone!"

He comes running in "Fireball jumpped out of the wagon and he is gone!"

So I spent the next four hours trying to find the damn guinea pig. I finally called off the search and with all the cats in this neighborhood I seriously doubt he will make it through the night unless he can find a really good hiding spot, but I am sure even if the cats don't get him he won't be coming back to this house. If I didn't find him after 4 hours I don't think there is any hope. I put out some boxes with food in them hopeing that will entice him and he will come back.

I have not been a happy mom today!

UPDATE:
I was standing out talking to my neighbor about the new neighbors we just got. Apparently the man just got out of the pen and they are known crank heads! I may have a little on the side work for Jack!

Well anyway as I was standing there I notice her cat chasing something in the bushes. I yelled the guinea pig and both of us took off as fast as we could she snatched the little fur ball up and he is home safe and sound now!

Fancy talk

David had another IEP and I went for the meeting today. He still doesn't have any learning disabilities. The base scores are set at 90 and he scores above that on everything but fluency. I think the majority of D's problems are the same as mine. He just doesn't speak the same language as everyone else, but no one has discovered the language we do speak. It sounds the same as everyone else, and looks the same, but it is very different. Until someone can tell him in a way that will make it click in his brain he will have to learn it himself. I learned that early in my education. I had to teach myself in school, because I didn't have a clue what the teachers were trying to tell me half the time.

English was my worst subject, until 9th grade. In 9th grade I was lucky to have a teacher that knew how to teach. Mrs. McKenzie, she was a tiny little thing, maybe 5 feet tall on her tip toes. She always had a cup of tea on her desk. She would not stand for any crap in her classroom, and everyone knew it. She was very old school, even back then. I think most of the kids were intimidated by her, but I flourished in her class room. I actually learned things that I didn't think I was capable of learning when I went to English class. She would give me reasons why this was this way or that was that way. I loved turning my homework in to her, because it would come back with notes all over it. She would explain why something was wrong, and she would give me examples. For everything she found wrong she found something right, so I would have a page full of red ink with positive and negative feedback that I desperately needed. Up until that point I had just gone with what I did know, but she gave me the courage to try new things. She never made me feel like she was judging me, and that is the way I had felt through school. She was a very intuitive teacher. She understood how the learning process worked for me, and she used that to teach me. I was never lucky enough to have another teacher like her, one that could actually teach me in a way I could understand. I hope that one day D finds a teacher like her. One that makes things a lot clearer for him.

Dear Doc,

It has been a week since your passings, and I am still having trouble moving on. I miss you more than I have ever missed anything in my life. I cry at the drop of a hat, because something will remind me of you. I miss our snuggle ups in the afternoon. Dinner time is awful for me and your brothers, because it just doesn't feel right. I look at the little guinea pigs and think how you would have liked them. You like all small creatures, and thought you could befriend them all. I will never forget when you tried to adopt that kitten. My heart is just so broken and life is so unfair. You have always been a part of this life I have now, and I don't know how to go on without you here. I take the boys to school and you are not standing at the top of the stairs to greet me when I get back, and I get sad. The vet called and said your remains are ready to pick up and I just can't seem to get the courage to go and get you. I just can't go there yet. Cam wants you to come home, and they all three miss you so much. I miss kissing your head goodnight, and the way you would push your head against mine and hugged me and always had to make noise. I miss the little things I always took for granted like how you would alway help Jake find the dog dishes or you would take Buddy outside at night even if you didn't have to go. I miss you foot lickings, and your soft ears, and the way you listened to me like I was important. Mostly I miss your friendship big dog it was truly the kind you only find once in a life time. I know that time will help to heal my broken heart, but this isn't an easy road. I love you big dog and I hope you always knew that.

Can we all say Allgeries!

My eyes have itched since we got the fur creatures, but thankfully I have eye drops that helps keep that under control. My head is stuffy like it's springtime in an alfalfa field, but my allgery pills help for that. The problem seems to be the hay. Guinea Pigs and hay go together like milk and chocolate chip cookies. You really can't have one without the other. They eat it, they play in it, they walk in it and then they walk on me. I have developed a red bumpy rash every where their little feet have touched my skin, and their tiny furry bodies have rubbed against me. They all three like to get behind my hair against the back of my neck, and under my chin to snuggle in and get petted. I itch like a dog with fleas. So now what am I suppose to do? I can't really get rid of the little piggies. The boys would be crushed, so I guess I will just have to quit letting them crawl on me, which I don't know if I can really do, because they are so cute and snuggly. I think I am destine to go insane from itching!

soft and fuzzy

The little critters below are guinea pigs. They are all just babies or so the pet store told us. They are suppose to be all boys, because they will mate and mate and mate... I am pretty sure they didn't mess up sexing them, because I threatened bodily harm if we ended up with a cage full of babies!

David was very sad with the passing of big dog, and he wanted to get a new puppy. I can't do a new puppy. My heart just isn't in to getting a new puppy. Right now I don't ever want to get another dog. You just grow to attached to them, and it hurts to badly to lose them. So we started looking up pets on the internet and found guinea pigs. They are not suppose to bite, they are very social, and they are easy to take care of. So we sat down and gathered information on these little guys. They are orginally from South America where they are grown as a food source in some areas. They can be litter box trianed, and they are much cleaner than hamsters. They really don't have any smell to them. You can brush them and bath them. They eat lots of leafy greens and other veggies and fruits along with hay and pellets. We had to build them a special cage, because the pet store ones are really just to small from them. They like to have a lot of space to run and play and chase each other, and they also like to be held and petted, at least 2 of the 3 do. Speedy likes to explore, but when he gets tired he goes and crawls into Coltons lap. I thought he would be timid of Colton because he is just a little kid, but they have developed a bond. However him and I have no bond what so ever. He likes to bite me. It doesn't really hurt that much when he chomps down, but I don't think he likes me very much and all I have done is be gentle with him. Colton on the other hand squeals when he runs up his shirt and gets a little rough with him, not overly rough where he will hurt him, but he chases him around with his hand and it is just funny to watch the 2 of them. Now the other two they see me and they come running to me to snuggle up against my neck and purr at me. The more I talk to them and the more I pet them the louder and longer they purr at me. The boys will set still and watch tv and the little fur balls will stretch out against them and take little naps. I didn't think that I would get very attached to them, because we had hamsters when I was a kid and they just didn't bond with you. These things they really develop a bond. Tank eats from your hand and everything.

They have in no way taken the place that Doc held in our hearts and home, but I think that they have been great at taking everyones mind off of everything. I still have certian times during the day that I break down and bawl, but I am getting better every day.

and they talk

Meet Speedy



Here's Fireball


This is tank

In loving Memory

Doc was almost 2 when Steve and I started dating. I think he was probably the main reason I kept coming back over. We developed an instant bond, me and this four legged furry creature. He would whine at the top of the stairs when I had to leave for work. I would come over after work and Doc would leap from the top stair and I would have to catch him, which wasn't easy considering he was over 100 pounds. I often wonder how I managed to get pregnant with David in the first place, because Doc was always in the middle of Steve and I. I would get into bed and he would snuggle his back against me and we would drift off to sleep together. While I was pregnant with David I would prop my belly against him. I think Doc was the first one to feel David move. He stopped jumping off the stairs then too, and would just bound down them to great me. After David was born Doc got responsibility. I swear he thought we were horrible parents. D would go down for his nap and Big Dog would pace between the crib and me, or lay in the hall and moan and whine. He wasn't happy unless that baby was close to all of us. I would put David down in the bouncy chair and Doc would lay with his head on the baby. Sometimes he would just look at me and sigh, and I am pretty sure he was thinking "It's a damn good thing you have me around to raise this kid, because you just suck!" He grew more comfortable with my mothering skills with the next 2, but he was still protective of them.

Doc knew all my secrets, my fears, my hopes, and my dreams. I told him everything, because he was my best friend. He listened when I was sad, he hovered over me when I was sick. He was joyous when I was happy. Doc took a part of me with him today, a part of my heart that I freely gave him over the last 9 years. Thankfully he gave me a part of his heart to keep with me forever. I will miss you more than you know my big dog, and I will always love you.

It's been a long hard week

I am going to go get Doc tomorrow. I will be bringing him home to spend one last night with us. I can't stand the thought of his last night being spend away from everything he has ever known. They are leaning toward pancratic cancer, because he is just not doing any better. They have been through several different things and nothing is working for him. Well I shouldn't really say that he starts to get a little better and then just gets sick again. I need to step up and do what is best for my baby and it is the hardest thing I have ever done.